Purpose

“I have crossed the horizon to find you

I know your name

They have stolen the heart from inside you,

But this does not define you

This is not who you are

You know who you are”

-Moana

I’ve watched Moana before, but this time was different. My eyes welled up with tears feeling as though God was whispering this is the way He speaks to us, the way He’s spoken to me.

Almost 11 1/2 years ago, I tried to take my own life by overdosing on aspirin. My journey seemed too much to bear. I never stopped believing in God, but I had a hard time believing He wanted anything to do with me. I felt unloved and unwanted. I didn’t know who to reach out to and bottled up everything inside. I didn’t want to burden anybody.

The first thing the ER doctor who had just walked into the room condescendingly asked me before I left is if I felt stupid for what I did. My situation hadn’t changed. The only stupidity I felt was not doing something that had a quicker effect. I was reminded of the stupidity in my choice for the next three days following the 10 hour ER visit that entailed me drinking enough charcoal followed by upheaval to get my toxicity levels to start going down. I wasn’t crying out for help. I didn’t even know who to cry to, and I didn’t share openly for a long time afterwards. The One who had always heard the cries of my heart and gave me purpose my entire life felt so distant and cold, and I questioned His love for me. I questioned His goodness. I didn’t understand why He allowed me to go through the things I had.

I got pregnant with my first a month later, and had an incredibly rough pregnancy- unable to hold down any food or water the first 18 weeks. Despite that, the thought of life coming from me, someone who wouldn’t have been here had I had it my way felt like a gracious gift from God and was probably the only thing that kept me from trying again at that point in my life. While I loved her immensely, life certainly didn’t get easier upon her arrival or when I got pregnant again 3 months later. I tried so hard to be everything for my husband and new babies. I wanted to be the perfect wife and mom, yet I was drowning in sleepless nights of completely reversed schedules and was sent to another room so we wouldn’t disrupt others’ sleep. My body went into survival mode and my size grew rapidly under stress, sleepless nights, over-exercising, severely under-eating, undiscovered autoimmune deficiencies, and so much shame I carried around from myself and others.

I wasn’t wanted. I found out early on that infatuation and love are not one and the same, and infatuation is unstable and unsafe. Fear and insecurity drove my actions. Failing to manipulate love, enduring so many hardships, and not wanting my kids to grow up seeing me so unlike myself, my courage grew enough to face the shame of divorce. There was no health, no life, no love in our marriage. No hope it would seem. Somehow the shame of attempted suicide seemed easier to handle despite people thinking I could go to hell if it was successful. I was set to go to a women’s retreat that day, the first time I was getting away since being married, only for a sweet marriage counselor who had no idea our situation to come up to tell me how she was praying and felt like God was going to use our story to help so many other marriages. I knew she was right, that we had so many prophesies and confirmations we were supposed to be together at the beginning for a reason, and I broke down in tears while verbally vomiting all that was going on, probably making her wonder if she heard correctly. That word caused me to hold on. Being able to open up to a sweet, gracious friend who was so empathetic to my newfound state helped me want to try again.

Unfortunately, but fortunately as well, my efforts didn’t get me or us anywhere because I might have thought it was my doing if they had. God got a hold of us. I had to learn to set up healthy boundaries first, but God got a hold of my husband’s heart when I was still choking on bitterness, hate, and unforgiveness towards him and others. I had so many God-breathed words from others that helped me survive during that time, but it wasn’t until a time of fasting and prayer, a time that God just utterly destroyed the box I put Him in and overwhelmed me with His love. It was as though I was revisiting all these times in my life, the times I felt God so close, and the times He felt so far away that He just poured out His love towards me and showed me that He was always present, His heart towards me always good, and He was just waiting to lavish His love upon me. All those things He allowed me to go through were because He loved me just like He loved Jesus, just like He loved Job, just like He loved Joseph. I was a trembling, but joyful mess the entire day and for a time after. If I wasn't exclusively reading the New Testament at that time or just knowing my experience or seeing the fruit from it, I would have questioned it from an outside viewpoint.

Not once did He bring up the ugly, bitter woman I had become. Not once did He bring up my own sin or inconsistencies. Not once did He shame me. His goodness made my self-righteous attempts seem like filthy rags that Isaiah speaks about. His goodness led me to repentance. He reminded me of who I am, and who He created me to be. His thoughts towards me are far greater than anything I could imagine. They are truly for good and not for evil. He has plans to give me a hope and a future. I have no doubt He loves anyone reading any less.

My first strongly engrained memory was when I was 4. I had just severely broken my collar bone, visited a dr. who told me it was broken so badly it might not ever fully heal correctly, and went to a church that night with my mom where they showed a video with a severely handicapped boy who had backwards’ facing feet that God healed completely of all his deformities. (I actually had to ask my mom for some of the details on my age and the video)…However, I remember vividly thinking that if God could heal that boy, surely He could heal my arm. Almost instantly, as soon as I thought that, He did. Nobody even had to pray over me. Knowing He cared enough to hear my thoughts and heal me, I kissed and hugged the air every night before bed knowing He could feel it too. Hearing my 4 year old son’s vivid Spiderman tales reminds me of just how real He’s always been to me. I’m so incredibly grateful for the privilege of such a strong foundation in my life. I know so many people don’t have that. Clearly, even with that, I’ve struggled immensely in my life.

If you’re reading this, know it was on purpose. You’re here for a reason. Whether you were wanted or not, your Heavenly Father wanted you. He knit you in your mother’s womb. He didn’t pass you up or allow you to die. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God is a God who desires to gather up the prodigal son and His older brother as a hen gathers her children. It hurts His heart when His children do everything right out of an insecurity that they’re unloved or act out of an insecurity that they’re unloved. He just wants us to know we’re loved unfathomably, and that everything He has is offered to us. He wants us to know that Jesus was just the first among many brothers and sisters and wants us to walk out in the knowledge that we can do even greater things than He did through His Spirit. That we can get free from the bondage of sin and death as we walk in His Spirit and abide in Him. All of creation is waiting for the revealing of the sons and daughters of God to take back what was once lost to us. There’s hope. Let His Spirit breathe life into you. If He can speak through an ass, I think He can speak through me and even Moana too. Read those words knowing they were meant for you too. The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophesy. What He's done for me and others, He wants to do for you. He prophesies through sons and daughters. He speaks through dreams and visions. He sends spies just to save a prostitute and her family. He was a friend to sinners- tax collectors and prostitutes alike, knowing full well He would be accused of being a glutton and drunkard or of having a demon. He disrupted social status and put the Gentiles and Jews, slaves and free, female and male all on the same page. He had no intention of shaming the woman at the well with five husbands and living with a sixth or the woman caught in adultery. You are so much more than the fraction of a person people have seen of you or treated you. He is not afraid of your mess. He will not make fun of your attempt to clothe yourself and has already provided a sacrifice. He will not shame you coming out of the closet or your struggle to love yourself by attempting to love someone like yourself. He wants to remind you who He created you to be, His original intentions for your life. If the thought of His love towards you doesn’t move you to tears or give you undeniable joy and hope, there’s so much more in store for you! As long as your heart’s beating, no…as long as His heart’s beating, there’s hope. Please, don’t ever give up. He’s just waiting to overwhelm you with His love. Be open to receive it.