More than a Number

Why do we place so much of our worth on the number on the scale? Why do we think our value lies in the way we look on the outside?

For the past 11 years, my weight has yo-yoed between 6 pregnancies and my constant fight against my body’s appearance. My love of working out and desire to eat for energy and enjoyment died the sicker my body got and the more the weight piled on despite my persistent battle. I had no idea I was fighting against hypothyroidism, hypopituitarism, severe adrenal fatigue, most likely undiagnosed PCOS, and extremely high cortisol levels, among other things. The way I viewed exercise changed from being a stress releaser and challenge I enjoyed conquering to feeling like an endless pile of laundry with a family of 7- never experiencing lasting results, but too afraid to stop for fear my weight might really get out of hand. I hated my body for it, always trying to reach a certain number that I even raised in order to feel like I could accept myself again. The thing is, I’m still incredibly far away from that number, and I don’t know if I’ll ever reach it again.

I recently read a story of a girl in a similar place as me. Working her butt off for years, looking like an entirely different person, yet her scale hasn’t budged at all, and it stopped 10 pounds higher than mine. Seeing this uncompromising warrior I would have never known weighed “so much” feeling less than because of a number on a scale made it all too clear.

That number on the scale I’m seeing? It is not a measure of my worth. It is nothing more than the gravitational pull on my body. My worth is measured by the blood He shed and the high price He paid for me.

This body I’ve been given with all the flaws I see? It was fearfully and wonderfully made. It was knit together in my mother’s womb, and it is the vessel God’s chosen to use and the temple He wants to reside in. It has housed 6 babies and fed 5, and it conquers hard, challenging workouts at least five days a week.

The thing about self-hatred, self-condemnation, and self-consciousness is that they’re all rooted in my-self. It might feel like humility, but in reality, I’m saying that what I have to say about myself is more important than what He says about me. Besides taking care of my body, I have so little to do with it. I didn’t create the shape of my nose, the color of my eyes, my voice, or the height of my body. To tear myself down is to say God made a mistake. He knew how much my body would stretch and change over the years, and what He says about it remains the same.

There’s nothing wrong with loving myself. After all, God does too. To not care for it would be to not care for the work of His hands. However, there is a problem when I can’t see past myself to let God use me right where I am, no matter what physical state I’m in. When I don’t, I can’t love those around me either. As C.S. Lewis states, "True humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." Our physical appearance and weight are such a small part of who we are, and I for one am tired of getting too hung up on it. SPIRITUAL MAKEOVER

Looking in the mirror Feeling a little inferior She sits with tears in her eyes 'Cause she's never begun to realize All her pain was formed from lies

Feeling she must look like Hollywood minority Looking nice became top priority But it's all done in vain Oh, what some people do to cover up pain And how much more visible the spiritual stain

Oh, little girls Don't listen to this world As society screams lies I hope you realize True beauty... Is only found in Me

So swallow your pride Lay it all aside I am blemish cure I will make you pure Let Me take over This is spiritual makeover True beauty For eternity