Meditate

I remember the first day I cussed. I was 19. There were only two instances in my life during elementary school that I even dabbled with cuss words before that point, and I only dared spell the words. I never really had an issue with them in proper context without cursing someone, but I knew other people did and I didn’t care to use them. The overuse of the words without proper context always seemed sort of immature and lacking any power. However, at the time, I worked with a guy who I’m pretty sure used the “f” word every other word and over time, my guard must have went down. When I was faced with yet another instance where I felt powerless in my engagement, I told my fiancé “f*** you” and felt powerful in that moment. He shockingly asked, “What did you say?” I told him he heard me, said it again, and cried. It marked a turning point in my life. From then on, I started struggling with those words every time I felt powerless, and there were a lot of those instances.

Nowadays, it’s a very rare moment that I even struggle with them anymore. I accidentally said one a few weeks ago after my kids were saying how someone said the “s” word or something along those lines. I rolled my eyes and told them to stop worrying about what other people do and only what they do. Of course, when they said the “s” word, I had to think about what cuss word they were even talking about, and had it on my mind as a result. Without fail, almost immediately after, I had to grab something out of the oven, accidentally burned myself, and guess what the first word to come out of my mouth was? Ha, if only I had a camera to capture the jaw-dropping look on my kids’ faces as they were shocked to hear that come from my mouth. I apologized and moved on. I haven’t struggled with it since. I can’t say I haven’t ever cussed in front of them- my oldest son over-exaggerates from one memory he has of course and now this one saying I cuss all the time because of those two instances- but I feel like the shock written all over their faces is a sign of growth in my life. Even when I struggled with them, I tried not to cuss in public or in front of my kids so some people might be shocked to know how bad of a struggle it was for me, but it was very real. These days, it’s lost its hold on my life. I feel more and more powerful every day and cussing was a result of me feeling powerless and my own attempt at trying to feel powerful. It never really delivered anything more than a fleeting feeling anyway.

The craziest part about it all is, once I started, I always tried to stop. The more I used those words, while they made me feel powerful for that small moment, I felt more and more powerless to stop them. The more I dwelt on trying to fix my problem, the bigger my problem grew. The more I tried to manipulate change from an outside force, the more stuck I felt. I often just felt like giving up, thinking this must be the new me.

These days, I stop focusing on my problems, stop focusing on my sin. I turn my eyes upward to the One who redeems. The more He grows in my mind, all those things that once had a hold on me just fade away. They’re no longer a part of me. Even the couple times a few cuss words might have slipped out, I no longer use that to define me, and move on walking in the knowledge that those few slip ups are just that- slip ups. They’re not who I am or who God has called me to be. I’m no longer bound by the law, and I walk in the Spirit of freedom that actually has the power to fulfill every law with my only effort being to stay connected and abide in Him. Every week day before working out, I always pray that God speaks to me and try to read at least one chapter of the Bible that often results in me looking up other passages as well. I keep a bookmark in my Bible that has a prophetic word written out for me that I use to encourage myself. I’ve written out verses and truths that I try to speak over myself at least once a day when I’m in our bathroom looking in the mirror. I realized if I want to change myself, if I want to produce good fruit, it has to be an inward change that works its way out. One cannot have a lasting output without first changing input.

There’s a reason the Bible says to meditate on whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy. Whatever I dwell on will eventually come out. I cannot afford to fill my mind with toxic things and think it has no effect on me.