Forgiveness

I’ve thought a lot about forgiveness lately. I’ve thought about the Apostle Paul who wrote almost half of the New Testament. Paul, who would be like a modern day Isis member today. Paul, who threatened to murder Christians all in the name of doing what he believed to be right. I’ve thought about the Christians who might have lost a brother, sister, mom, dad, child, or any other relative to the man. I’ve often wondered how they must have felt to not only see him be given the grace to convert to Christianity, but then also to be one of the most influential Christians to this day. What a slap in the face it must have felt like! I think sometimes I’ve skimmed over the part that Paul wrote saying he was the chief of sinners thinking about how influential he was later on in his life without remembering his back story. The absolute conviction he must have felt when he wrote that and his inability to possibly apologize to all the people he must have hurt. The absolute need of his to press on towards the goal to win the heavenly prize for which God had called him to receive. The absolute need to continually look to Jesus and move on with his life. Thankfully, we have his back story and have seen how God used it for good in his future. Christians during his time wouldn’t have been given that opportunity.

Sometimes like those Christians, we’re not given the opportunity to have a backstory. Often the people who have hurt us the deepest don’t repent; or if they do, it’s a worldly repentance rooted in manipulation just trying to get us to move on. At times, they might further injure us by saying we’re too sensitive as though they didn’t hurt us bad enough in the first place. Sometimes they truly are trying to help but are looking at things from an outside perspective or with false information. Maybe they’ve made up their minds about us without ever taking a chance to get to know us. Maybe they continuously put in gas-lighting situations that only further their inaccurate thoughts about who we are. I’ve been threatened with the truth not spoken in love. I've been repeatedly told that God won’t forgive me if I don’t forgive others. I’ve witnessed and experienced such hardness of heart that grows from being treated unjustly all in the name of God. I’ve wished people who hurt me so badly out of my life because I felt powerless to be myself in their presence. The hypocrisy I felt for living a double life was too much for me to bear.

The greatest sins, the greatest atrocities, often come from those believing what they’re doing is right. The sin wouldn’t have such a powerful force to enslave us if it didn’t have a sense of rightness about it. Lies only hold power when we believe them to be truths. I often find it crazy that Satan used Scripture to try to tempt Jesus. It just shows that truth alone is not enough. It has to be used in context and spoken in love. I think my own lofty view of myself has gotten in the way of me being able to truly forgive others sometimes. I think my own sense of rightness has blinded me to my hardness of heart.

Some of us have every right in the world to be angry and hurt. We have every right to end a marriage or cut off people from our lives. Sometimes it’s even healthy to separate for a time, and sometimes maybe the only way others will come to their senses is if they experience the finality of the consequences of their actions. Every person’s story is so different, so entirely one’s own. I could judge another’s story from my own lofty view of myself and say I wouldn’t handle things the way others are and think that maybe I could do a better job. Maybe I could, maybe I couldn’t. I’ve had such a hard time coming to a place of understanding in my own life that it's foolish of me to think I can understand others'. I have to ask God to help me see others through His eyes to not grow hurt or bitter over things done to me. Only then can I truly forgive and extend grace. I will not pretend I could do any better in anyone else’s shoes. After all, I didn’t walk in them. I can’t possibly know how I would handle others’ situations if I had. If others didn’t truly think what they were doing was right, they probably wouldn’t be doing those things. It’s not my calling to ever be in a place of judgment. It's not my place to take vengeance into my own hands, however tempting it may be. I don’t wrestle against flesh and blood. None of us do. We can accuse all we want just like the accuser of the brethren, but only God knows the heart. It’s my mission to try to live out of His heart towards myself and others. So much easier said than done, but what a beautiful release it is when I do!

~*Unconditional*~ Don't believe in your past Don't be downcast God has forgiven you I have too I always asked God to let me love and forgive like Him So when the lights fade away and it grows dim You're just teaching me To love unconditionally I won't bring it up, if you don't want me to I won't shout it out, if it hurts you You've trusted me to tell truth Pain exposed, I wish to soothe I don't believe in what you were The thought didn't even occur The love I have for who you are now Takes away every thought of doubt I said I'd be there for you my friend And that's how it will always end Your past doesn't make you He has made you new I will always love you No matter what you do -R.A.D.