Fight the Good Fight

I was asked to do an art video for our “no suicide” event at church, so this post is a little different than usual, but so important to me. 12 1/2 years ago, I downed enough aspirin to end my life prematurely. “28, 29, 30”…my mind silently counted while I tried to focus on anything else but what I was doing. I didn’t know who to turn to, who I could trust, or who I thought cared about me enough to want to be burdened by my misery. There were so many lies I was believing about God, myself, and others while I was stuck in anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness with no hope of ever being free. My attempt wasn’t a cry for help or attention. I was too ashamed to even share with others for a long time and didn’t want to burden anyone with the news.

“Do you feel stupid for what you did?” the doctor condescendingly asked me who came into my emergency room before dismissal. The only stupidity I felt at the time was for not coming up with something quicker, more permanent, and with less side effects. I had to drink a cup full of charcoal; and for 3 days, my body did everything it could to get rid of the poison I swallowed in order to end my life. However, my life felt hopeless long before this incident. I sat there staring at the blank, white walls feeling utterly numb and empty as I listened to the doctor trying to shame me for my choice and started picturing a painting I had done only a couple months before with a girl soaking in the rain. That girl in the painting was meant to be me, but I wasn’t even close to being able to fully picture myself in that stage of life. This vision of myself where I could let go of everything, soak in the rain, and truly be free. As I sat there picturing this painting, feeling everything I felt, I knew that I wasn’t going to be the only one who sat in this place, and I knew I wasn’t the first one to do so. I found myself feeling this desire to add warmth to the cold, sterile environment around me to comfort those in my shoes and give others hope. I wanted so badly to be free and help others be free. It would be many years before I felt hope again, but the desire to add warmth for others and see others set free in my moment of hopelessness and shame helped me find purpose again. These days, I have no doubt that it was God’s doing.

I’ve always loved the short poem by Emily Dickinson that says,

“If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.”

Before giving up, remember, you were created with purpose by an intentional God who said His creations are good. You were created in the image of a good God. Meaning, each of us has something good to offer this world, and each of us has the opportunity to not live in vain. We are each fighting forces of evil we cannot see with an enemy seeking to steal, kill, and destroy. We all have things we hate that we do and feel enslaved to. We have the choice to let evil win and give up the fight, or we can bring those things into the world that God places on our hearts that can only be brought about by us. Time isn’t neutral, and those things we should fight for won’t happen when we sit back and do nothing or give up our fight. So please, don’t give up. Reach out to others, and don’t give up the good fight to live a life of freedom in Christ and in setting others free. ************* For music licensing purposes, I had to keep the video on youtube, but you can find it here.